That Spark Is Gone

I’m in a funk and don’t quite know how to describe it. I’m happy and content and loved, but that motivation is completely gone. Normally, I’m not this candid and divulge so much personal information into blog posts (other than surface emotions), but I’m challenging myself to open up and own these emotions.

A few weeks ago, I took a free yoga class. I read an email from my residence hall coordinator, giving details about how to “de-stress” from midterms. Not expecting anything grand, I went. The instructor felt oddly familiar and the class style mirrored that of my beloved instructor at home— come to find out, they not only know each other but did training together. It was amazing, as usual, to get back to myself and reconnect.

I don’t do yoga regularly now. The only way that I know I can practice effectively is to go to class and work through the poses. I don’t have that structure; in the past, every Tuesday at 5:30 was yoga, and I was accomplished— I have since let myself go. I attribute most of my grounded personality to this ancient practice, but as the saying goes, “If you don’t use it, you lose it.” One conundrum I have is that I don’t have transportation to a studio; it would take 45 minutes on a bus with two transfers in order to make it to a one hour class, and then another 45 minutes back. Add that up, and it becomes a four hour ordeal.

Of course, I could get up in the morning and practice. But that requires effort, not waking anyone else up, and finding a large enough space to practice. The point is that I’m creating barriers for myself. How does one overcome their barriers? This isn’t just in my yoga realm, either. I have little motivation to complete tasks, and while I feel that I’m doing my best, it isn’t adding up. No matter how much inspiration I have, I feel sluggish, like there is something missing.

Recently, a very special person came into my life, one whom I had been longing for quite some time. I had thought that, with this acquisition, life would suddenly change, brighten, and evolve— which, for the record, it has and I am thrilled. Yet it is inside me this “absence of umph,” if you will.

I keep looking for the key, the secret. In fact, I did watch The Secret and am attempting to incorporate this idea of positive thinking and attraction. So far, it has yielded minimal results. I know the point is to persevere and eventually the universe will shift in one’s favor— I wholeheartedly believe this, but small evidence would be nice to support this claim.

It’s like life isn’t as crisp as it once was, and until I flip the switch on somewhere within me, the sluggish feelings will remain. Know that it has nothing to do with my interactions with people and is completely of my own energy.

Until then, I’ll keep breathing.

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