Over the past few months, I’ve been nearly everywhere. And I promise to delve into those travels (Gothenburg, Stockholm, The Hague, Dublin, Bucharest, and Paris) at a later date. While I was gallivanting, I had a lovely time with friends and family alike.

But there are aspects of life that aren’t so rosy— I’m a little bit unsettled at the moment. After a romantically tumultuous summer, I tried to mellow out by doing these travels. And I loved every second of it. Having the financial flexibility to work a little and play a lot has been rewarding.

NGPA

Earlier this summer, I applied and interviewed for a board position with the NGPA; I was not selected. I’ve been grappling with this rejection, as it’s an organization that I held dear. Over the years, I’ve twirled around on stage during the flagship events, which has been fun. But in order to step up my commitment, I thought a place on the board would be a good fit for my insights and talents. They did not feel the same. However, it’s a blessing, because I don’t think that I would be well received with the current dynamic at play— my flamboyance is more than just entertainment. I wanted to sink my teeth into the challenges that face our membership, as well as the elephant in the room that is our image issue— we’re much more than a group of vapid, shirtless (and overwhelmingly white) pilots in hot tubs.

I feel sympathetic to the cause, still, but very much removed from any of the goings on. It wouldn’t hurt so much if it didn’t mean so much to me.

The City Search

I’ve moved home to Jefferson City, but I’m rarely home by design. Either I’m traveling for work or traveling for pleasure. And while living mostly rent free with my mom has been nice for my wallet, I crave my own place again. However, it doesn’t make sense financially. And where would I live? I don’t feel the pull to live anywhere except the Pacific Northwest, New York City, or Europe. None of those places is right for me at the moment, though. The rent is too damn high— and any smaller city is uninteresting, even if it is “affordable.”

The vagabond life is cute for a while. But I’m the type of person who needs her craftily curated space, a retreat from the extensive travels. Bluntly, though, I can’t afford to live alone in any of the aforementioned places in which my heart thrives.

The Yoga Studio

The Yoga Studio closed its doors in my little town. Admittedly, I feel like I squandered an opportunity to flourish as an instructor— I was too busy busting my butt all summer and gallivanting around the world this fall. To date, I haven’t taught a class, which was a big draw of moving home. I failed on that front.

I’m keeping my options open, because the practice is still there. It’s always there, welcoming back with a simple breath in and breath out. And I’m willing to share it with whomever wants to deepen their consciousness.

Bottom line:

I don’t really know where I fit in; I mostly feel like I’m floating along, contentedly but without roots. I’m scattered, like a pixelated picture waiting to load— there’s some semblance of what completeness looks like, but I have yet to get there. Wherever that is.

As an aside, I dated someone for a short while (meaning a very quick month). It wasn’t successful, but it did teach me a lot about what I need and who I am in a relationship— I go out of my way to be accommodating, and perhaps I’m too loyal. Overall, what I’ve been searching for this entire time is intimacy; that’s not easy to accomplish when I’m fleeting and mobile.

In this trough of discomfort, nothing is extremely bad. I still love my job, adore my friends, and demand to live life to my absolute fullest. I’m reminding myself that anything is a possibility— that I will fall in to the right crowds, home, and arms of a lover. The whole world is in my hands.

Soundtrack: You’ve Got the Whole World in Your Hands